Humour
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Tonto's Lament
   
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I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark A LOT. So, whattya gonna do about it' Well, if you're Amber and Terry, you're going to do NOTHING about it. Ain't nobody going to silence the Rubinman, .....
I approached the cell where they were holding Tonto. I had some feeling of fear at theprospect of being locked up in a 6x8 cell with the man who shot the Lone Ranger. Theguard asked me if I wanted to go in and I mentioned this.
" He also scalped him. Allegedly, that is".
I went on in and stood there observing the man who shot America's greatest hero. Hedidn't look all that mean or dangerous.
"Tonto' Can I ask you a few questions!"
"Tonto. It's always Tonto. Never sir or Mr. Tonto. Just Tonto. Why couldn't they giveme a name like Geronimo or Crazy Horse or Sittng Bull, something like that. I guessCrazy Horse isn't so great either but Tonto' That sucks, man".
"Did you shoot the Lone Ranger'"
"I scalped him too, the do-gooder. All the time it's 'Tonto do this 'and Tonto ,' do that'. Ifinally had enough of it. And that'kemo sabe' stuff. What does kemo sabe mean'Nothing. It was just something I had to say at least once a week."
" What about the Faithful Indian Companion thing'"
You should be careful what you wish for. I know this because I knowed a guy who always used to wish he was a fly. He wished he was a fly so he could buzz around and go in peoples houses .....
"Sounds like you're going for temporary insanity".
"No , I'm not. I just got tired of the whole thing. He got to wear these nifty clotheswhile I wore beat-up old buckskins. Man, those things were hot. He got two guns while Igot one, although I only needed one as it turns out. He got silver bullets! Why' Thatdoesn't make sense at all."
"He was your friend'.
" Friend' What friend' I saved his life not the other way around, I could have left himlying in that canyon to die is what I could have done. Maybe I should have. No, no. I hadto nurse him back to health and tell him about the silver mine and go along with the maskand all that. Why' Who cared what he looked like' He didn't care that people knew whatI looked like."
"That really bothered you'"
"Sure it did. Here we'd be camped outside some town. Why' We had all kinds of money.Why camp out on the ground.' I'll probably get chillblains whem I get old. Anyway, HEwould go to town without the mask and have a good old time. So, I got to sneaking inafter he'd leave. I go right up and stand with him. Men would point at me and know theold prospecter was the Lone Ranger. And they didn't give a ratass about him ."
"You two rode the west fighting for justice".
"You been watching too much t.v. We rode around getting into trouble is what we did.He rode a big white stallion and I rode a little paint pony. That's another bitch I had. Healso had all the money. Everytime I had to buy something he gave me the money. I foundthat silver mine, not him. But no, he had the money and I had squat."
"How do you think the trial will come out'"
"There won't be no trial. If I don't get lynched I think the charges will get dropped. Itwouldn't do his image any good to have people think his faithful Indian companionwould shoot him. We start shooting this year's episodes next week and they need me.Did I say shooting' Ha-ha. Tonto made a joke."
That's Tonto's Lament.